Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help   

A Summer Wedding

The sunshine had come out to ensure the wedding of footballer Benji and his wife-to-be Sabine had the perfect backdrop. For the month before the excitement had been growing amongst the players and supporters of St Cernin de l'Herm, a village in the south west of France, as the day came ever closer. We had already been out for a meal and made the bride and groom walk around the restaurant whilst eating a banana - with no hands. A large poster of the team picture had been printed and everyone had signed it and written a good luck message. So by Saturday afternoon the junction of the small crossroads in Frayssinet-le-Gélet was busy with people waiting for Benji and Sabine to walk by.

In France many wedding ceremonies will take place in the village Mairie and then move on to the local church for a blessing. And we were lucky that the two buildings were close by so that a short procession through the village could take place. As we waited friends spread out cuttings from roses and other bushes across the pavement on the route the bride and groom would take to the church. This is meant to bring the couple good luck and fortune and in other areas of France neighbours will lay down sheaves of corn. Then the moment arrived as the couple stood at the top of the steps outside the Mairie and slowly made their way to the church, escorted by their parents.

Traffic came to a standstill as the procession of guests followed behind and walked the 150 meters to the church. In the afternoon sunshine people slowly made their way into the church filling up the pews and taking up positions in the aisle for the chance to take a picture. Once everyone was inside, and we must have numbered 200 or more, the bride and groom slowly made their way through the church.

Camera flashes lit up the dark entranceway as the couple made their way along the aisle; the organist played a tune that softly filled the church. The priest opened the blessing with a short passage from the bible and then Sabine walked up to the microphone to deliver a short speech. She thanked the many people that had turned up to see the bride and groom and that it had been an incredible day. Then the priest delivered a short prayer and a musical interlude with saxophone and accordion was played. The ceremony of the passing of the rings was undertaken with the assistance of the son of Sabine and Benji. He carried the rings up to the alter of the church in a small, padded heart shaped bag and passed them to the priest. The couple spoke a few words and placed the rings on each other's fingers as the cameras again flashed a whirred. Everyone then began to make their way out of the church waiting for the bride and groom to stand outside the church for some more photographs. But the players of St Cernin had one more trick up their shirts as we donned our kit and picked up a football each.

We made a guard of honour outside the church and held a ball high over the guests as they made their way out into the village square. But it was Benji and Sabine who everyone was waiting for. People passed around rice and confetti waiting for them to leave the church and run under the footballs, as they did the place exploded. The church bell tolled and rice cascaded down on our heads covering the players and the newly married couple from head to toe. Then it was time for more photographs, car horns sounding and the children throwing rice and confetti at each other. As the day drifted into late afternoon it was time for a small aperitif and a few nibbles in the grounds of the Mairie. Watching the sun slowly slide behind the church tower as the celebrations moved on into the night.

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help   

How to Choose a Pearl Necklace for Your Wedding Day

The elegant beauty of a strand of pearls has fascinated brides for centuries. People believe that wearing pearls on their wedding day will bring bliss to their marriage.

Pearls are classic wedding jewelry. How do you choose that perfect pearl necklace?

Here are some tips:

There are four types of pearls:Akoya pearls, Tahitian pearls, SouthSea pearls, and freshwater pearls. Akoya, Tahitian and South Sea pearls grow in oceans. They are more valuable than freshwater pearls for their rarity and high luster.

Akoya pearls are the most popular. These pearls are valued for their rich color, mirror-like finish,and appealing roundness.

As with any other gemstones, the value of pearls is determined by their quality.

A pearl's quality can be A, AA, AA+, AAA, AAA+. The last two, AAA and AAA+ pearls, have the best quality and they are most valuable. For pearls of the same size, an 'A' quality pearl necklace costs only a small fraction of AAA quality pearl necklace.

The quality and value of pearls are based upon six criteria: luster, nacre, surface, color, shape, size and matching. The educated buyer uses his or her preferences to decide which criteria are most important.

Nacre: Most buyers of pearl jewelry pay most attention to the pearls' nacre thickness. Nacre is the coating that a pearl oyster produces to cover the pearl's nucleus; it is the key to how long pearls last. You should look for pearls with nacre thickness over 0.4mm.

Luster and Surface: Luster is the amount of light reflected from the pearl's surface. A strand of pearls with high luster, mirror finish and clean surfaces is most desirable and valuable.

Color: It is a personal choice. Consider buying a pearl necklace whose color will complement your clothing and your skin tone.

Size: The price of pearls that are larger than 7mm varies greatly. People usually buy the largest pearls they can afford.

Shape: Round pearls are most desirable and valuable.

Matching: For a pearl necklace or bracelet, matching refers to the ways in which all of the pearls are similar. It is difficult to find enough identical pearls to make a well-matched pearl necklace; therefore such a necklace commands a top price.

After you have decided the type, color, size and quality of pearls that you want, think about your budget. Take your time to shop around and find that perfect pearl necklace for your wedding day! Provided by Premiumpearl.com.

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help   

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help   

How To Hire A DJ For Your Wedding

Hiring music entertainment can arguably be the most important booking made for your wedding. Guests remember whether or not they had fun at your wedding. What you pay for is what you get is a good rule of thumb. However, I would like to educate the consumer, future brides and grooms, of how to hire a DJ and things to consider. The following are 9 important factors to consider when hiring a disc jockey BEFORE you sign the contract.

1. Who would be the DJ for your occasion? Many DJ companies are a multi-system operation. Be sure to have in writing of who your DJ will be at your event. I would recommend meeting your DJ before hiring the company at a neutral place, like a restaurant.

2. How many years experience does your DJ have with your type of function? Anyone can pretend to be a DJ. If you are having a formal event, does your DJ know how to organize a wedding reception or a grand entrance? The DJ should perform the type of show that you want!

3. Does the DJ get everyone involved dancing or do they just play music? You have to ask yourself if you want a DJ that will get everyone dancing? For example, will the DJ involve guests by playing and conducting motivational dances like the Chicken Dance, Hokey Pokey, Cha Cha Slide or just play music?

4. Will the DJ be dressed appropriately? Formal means tuxedo or dress. Semi-formal means dress pants, shirt & tie or slacks and blouse. Casual means polo shirt or company shirt. Be sure the DJ is dressed appropriately during set-up and takedown of equipment. Some guests do arrive early and stay late.

5. What is the DJ's fee? How much is overtime? Is a tip included in the fee? Will there be an extra charge for lighting-what does the lighting include? How much is travel to your location? Are you ONLY paying for the time the DJ performs?

6. Does the DJ include a contract? Be sure to have all details of your function in writing. The DJ must know the date, place, and time! You must know each other's names and phone numbers including the DAY of the occasion.

7. Is the DJ company professional? This may sound silly, but does the DJ have insurance? Accidents do happen. It's better to be prepared. Also, is the DJ a member of a national DJ association like ADJA or NAME? If they are, then they care about what they do and are a better chance of being professional.

8. What kind of equipment does the DJ use? Typically, if a DJ is using a brand of equipment you can buy at your local retail store, then that's what you will get. Excellent brand names include: JBL, Community, Denon, Gemini, QSC, Crown, etc. Always, and I mean always, ask if the DJ has back-up equipment WITH them for your function. Also, be sure the DJ brings the right amount of sound for the number of guests expected.

9. What music do you play? How many music selections will the DJ have WITH them? Be sure your DJ takes requests before and during your function. Also, give them a guideline of what you want played. However, this is what the DJ is paid to do. Don't limit the DJ by saying you want all of one kind of music or a list of 100 songs they must play. The best scenario is to play any type of music that gets people dancing and having fun. By the way, it should be understood the DJ does not play any offensive music.

I hope this helps!

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help   

How to Choose a Pearl Necklace for Your Wedding Day

The elegant beauty of a strand of pearls has fascinated brides for centuries. People believe that wearing pearls on their wedding day will bring bliss to their marriage.

Pearls are classic wedding jewelry. How do you choose that perfect pearl necklace?

Here are some tips:

There are four types of pearls:Akoya pearls, Tahitian pearls, SouthSea pearls, and freshwater pearls. Akoya, Tahitian and South Sea pearls grow in oceans. They are more valuable than freshwater pearls for their rarity and high luster.

Akoya pearls are the most popular. These pearls are valued for their rich color, mirror-like finish,and appealing roundness.

As with any other gemstones, the value of pearls is determined by their quality.

A pearl's quality can be A, AA, AA+, AAA, AAA+. The last two, AAA and AAA+ pearls, have the best quality and they are most valuable. For pearls of the same size, an 'A' quality pearl necklace costs only a small fraction of AAA quality pearl necklace.

The quality and value of pearls are based upon six criteria: luster, nacre, surface, color, shape, size and matching. The educated buyer uses his or her preferences to decide which criteria are most important.

Nacre: Most buyers of pearl jewelry pay most attention to the pearls' nacre thickness. Nacre is the coating that a pearl oyster produces to cover the pearl's nucleus; it is the key to how long pearls last. You should look for pearls with nacre thickness over 0.4mm.

Luster and Surface: Luster is the amount of light reflected from the pearl's surface. A strand of pearls with high luster, mirror finish and clean surfaces is most desirable and valuable.

Color: It is a personal choice. Consider buying a pearl necklace whose color will complement your clothing and your skin tone.

Size: The price of pearls that are larger than 7mm varies greatly. People usually buy the largest pearls they can afford.

Shape: Round pearls are most desirable and valuable.

Matching: For a pearl necklace or bracelet, matching refers to the ways in which all of the pearls are similar. It is difficult to find enough identical pearls to make a well-matched pearl necklace; therefore such a necklace commands a top price.

After you have decided the type, color, size and quality of pearls that you want, think about your budget. Take your time to shop around and find that perfect pearl necklace for your wedding day! Provided by Premiumpearl.com.

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help